water seeping

(no subject)

I blame this on my brother. He was talking about emo and well..

Bro: I think everyone who is emo is gay.
Me: ...
Bro: *makes slashing motions at his wrist*

And my one moment of weakness. I looked at my wrists. 

They're still there you know. The first one I think will never go (it's been there for two years) and the other one is healing. And I then got flashbacks and felt slightly sick. 

I don't know much about how people live here in Singapore (boarders particularly). In the sense, they're quite different from the people I used to know. We...I think we weren't even human when we were in that school. We hurt people, they hurt us. We pushed, we pulled. It was the most dysfunctional school I ever knew. Racism was rift, religious issues widespread, malicious intent was everywhere. Sometimes I think you hurt people for fun. 

On my first week of school, I saw a guy bash a girl's head with his bag. 

On my first term of school, I watched a girl take fourteen painkillers and NOT die. (which was amazing)

I was hit on. By my roommate. 

I saw her smoke. I helped her smoke in my room. 

Drugs, alcohol, we lived in our own underworld where no one/ nothing from the outside world could touch us. I think we believed we were invicible.

I saw people contemplate suicide, saw people with marks all over their body. I saw destruction, devotion, madness really.

On my first term of school, I was abandoned. And then I collapsed. 

I spent the majority of my year wondering where I went wrong. Then I gave up. 

On my second year of school, I was sent to couselling. My mom told me, "There must be some reason why you don't have any friends. Something must be wrong with you."

I hated my mom so much in that moment. 

I think it's more of a coming full circle really, when I looked at my scars. They're not important anymore. One was already fading. The other one...I think that one will remain for the rest of my life. It's not depressing. I think I appreciate that scar. It's...important.
  • Current Location: in my room
  • Current Mood: cynical cynical
  • Current Music: Everything = Nothing - Sefiros
Tags:
...you slit your wrist before. I'm very worried now.

Okay, this school is different. Singapore is different. Things are much much more fluffy and happy and peaceful and just goddam fluffy here. I'm glad that you transferred to this school since I think your problems have lessen since then. Remember the whole omg-i-don't-have-a-project-week-group-to-join-so-i-shall-freak incident? *hugs* And also now I know why I sometimes have problems interacting with you. I seriously hope that you won't resort to drastic measures (because hell slitting your own wrists is a fucking drastic measure) again in the near feature. Because I would seriously bash your head in. With my laptop even. As will the others.

I don't think I'm making much sense. Brought up in an even fluffier environment whut. Argh. You. Argh.
Ah...

Don't worry so much about it. I'm not so stupid to slit my wrists again. As for the project week incident. Well, I guess you could say I didn't want a repetition of the past. I won't do something drastic. I know where the line is.

Fluffy environment. XD Lucky you.
'Repetition of the past' huh... fieldtrip? (just curious, don't answer if you dun wanna)
Here we are all... well, nicer for one. I will offer you my help if anything comes up, but I trust you don't need it, with people like wombat, subin and jeeta around. That's all I should say, plus nothing else I say can is of any real meaning. Mind you, I won't treat you any different from before, and I'm sure that you won't mind/you wished for. I hope you don't mind me reading it.
Nah. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. That entry? Is not an emo entry. More like a contemplation entry really.
Aw, guess that means your brother thinks you're gay... (which is supremely ironic since the other meaning of gay is, well, you know, gay ;P) I've decided my new policy concerning 'OMG Ayesha's gone and said disturbing things again' is to be mocking/extra cheerful/ignorant/disapproving/on crack/like Nat/ sleepy/euphoric/kitschy Cause I wuv you!!!! *much huggling*
Ah, didn't know about the wrist thing. o__O You and Nat can share scar celebration... (um, would you hurt me if I said it adds a cool factor that you have a dark past? Think Shuichi and Yuki Eiri...)
You have us now. Some of us are bitchy when we're stressed but we're not malicious. Yeah, I noticed there was more fluff here than in India, hence the 'now I will feel free to hug my friends when I wish'-ness. In India it was like 'OH MY HEAVENS, SHE'S GOING TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF!!!' *awkward back patting* 'there there' o__O >__<
Well, okay, maybe not thaaaaaaaat bad...
You have lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lost and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots................... of friends now (in terms of quality at the very least. *is not full of herself at all*) By all means, don't forget. You relapse and we'll be holding you over a cliff by the scruff of your neck, shaking you and going 'so, you're depressed now? Huh? Answer me, PUNY MORTAL!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!' *disturbing image of Nat in gestapo uniform* (*wail* *cower*)

Um, you kinda sound like you came from a soap opera or day time drama... *dreamvision* A day in the life of Ayesha Mahapatra, aged 15, in boarding school, unaware that in a few years her life would be changed forever and she would have the great fortune of meeting Rajeeta Iyer, a student at United World College of South East Asia, modest, caring, *narcissistic rant*.... .... .... Oh, and she was also to meet others like Nat Khoo and Oli..er..Viola Luk and Subin Park *is still, obviously, not full of herself*

Jerk school people *scowl* We wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv you!!!! I was wondering, interested in heading to Mulu for a bit once we've graduated? Of course, before the other trip. This time LONGHOUSE ROOMS! and possibly, more people. Watcha think?

I've noticed LJ has a deletrious effect on one's language proficiency and is particularly crippling when one is exposed to it over an extended period of time. (*wants Dana to give her language coaching*) *one last huggle*
I can never figure out how you manage to write so much in one comment. XD Dark pasts are cool. I have no problem about people talking about it because, well, it's past.

...And your summary sounds awfully like a shoujo-manga. (should I worry?)

I'm not chrnonically depressed or anything like that. It's just a thought that struck me.
I simply don't know how to react to this, or what to do. But trust me, I know a lot of people like this, and the only thing I've been able to done is wait at the sidelines.

...I wanna change that, and I'm here for you~!
o.o ... I am supremely amused that all your friends describe themselves as 'Fluffy'... *cracking up* I am meeting these people if it means I have to flash freeze hell!

And damn if you didn't put me in a nostalgic/reminiscent mood. First time I've thouight of Cindy in months... *contemplates* I guess if these things just slide to teh back of your memory on their own, it means you survived alright, no? *smiles* Bleah, ignore me, I'm babbling...

But it is funny that singaporeans call themselves 'fluffy'. XD Tell your friends I said so and thanks for the laugh.