water seeping

(no subject)

Dear Timmy,

Please do not
  • suddenly start crying on the dinner table
  • curl up into a ball and cry more
  • worry about what everyone thinks of you
  • worry whether everyone is happy. SOMETIMES IT IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Deal with it
  • think about dropping all your characters at CFUD because of some inane reason like "YOU SUCK" or "people deserve better". GET OVER YOURSELF.
  • pester people over your emo and demand attention
  • waste time lazing around. Be more productive
  • cry. Just stop crying.
AND THAT, ladies and gentlemen, sums me up quite well.

Lord, this self-loathing phase is never going away.
Oh hay it's like me from last night. And... other times.

I think everyone has their low points but don't let it get to you like that, hon. You can talk to me, you know. *hugs*
I know. I'm not so depressed as I am FRUSTRATED with my lack of understanding and I'm a bit sad that I feel like I've let someone I care for down BECAUSE of a silly reason.
Oh, hon, I'm sure it'll all work out. If it helps any, you helped me out when I really needed it... even if I did get all... creepy and weird on you near the end. UH.

*snugs*
You are never creepy and weird to me. And I will always help you out no matter what. ♥]
[snuggles ♥]

I am actually taking medication, though more medication is something I should possibly look into.
Oh sweetie. :( We all go through this phase (goodness knows I've been through it plenty of times and we both know it sucks ass :/), but since you know it's just a phase, you also know that it'll end. And I'll be here for you if you ever need me. ♥
The icon will probably involve either hugging or just the characters being idiots. Both fit rather well, I think! /o/
Crying is okay. Sometimes you need it and it can help you feel better. ::patpat:: I know it sounds kinda trite, but... ::hug!::
...already received love. Approach covered. Check. Super long lecture upcoming. Those who can't write, berate.

Let's start with 'pester people over your emo and demand attention'.
Firstly, you can cross me off the list of the pestered. I barely check LJ, so I only ever catch one in five of your low points.
Secondly, if this post is being made at all, clearly, you're failing in your objective. Traditionally, these posts will be met with love and hugs and even a gruff 'buck up'. If it makes you feel any better to know that people care, so it helps, then why bother setting this goal for yourself? Every time you feel the need to reach out, you'll make yourself feel worse. For what? Expressing sadness? Venting a little? Accept that you may need a hug or a kind word, if you do, and ditch this.
We may not like ourselves very much for putting up these messages. When I do, it feels like a shameless, shameful grab for affection, filled with drama and it works, which somehow makes it worse. But heck, if I'm down and I'm scum of the Earth and I need a hug, you give me one. So if I want one next time, I'll ask. You get the same privilege. Goodbye silly goal.

NEXT, 'think about dropping all your characters at CFUD because of some inane reason like "YOU SUCK" or "people deserve better". GET OVER YOURSELF.'
I agree. Of all the freaking things to add to depression. >____>
Do you enjoy it? Have you made friends? Do you hug people you've never met online and share with them bits of you that are otherwise private? Do you get the urge to take on more roles? Do you, or do you not, do the voice of Shawn Spencer perfectly? Huh?
Yeesh. This isn't 'get over yourself', it's take a chill pill, enjoy what you enjoy doing and start to wonder why the heck you're angsting over something that you started for fun. Alternately, you do the first two and I'll do the last. Moving on to stronger points.

'worry about what everyone thinks of you'
Pfft. Like this will go away any time soon. Well, mine won't, maybe you'll get lucky. As far as I'm concerned, Han will replace me, Viola doesn't like me all that much anymore, Gowri doesn't like me, Lakshmi won't care about me because I haven't spoken to her in a year and she'll have new friends, Nat doesn't believe I'm shiny enough, my Brother thinks I'm lazy, my parents think I'm fat and lazy and I've wasted my gap year...
Han will still be my friend even if I'm replaced, Viola asked you to glomp me for her, Gowri talks to me when I talk to her, Lakshmi has yet to respond but she's always been very sweet, Nat spends time with me and talks with me, my Brother expects I can figure technical details out myself, my parents love me.
Some of the fears are based on fact, some on speculation. It shouldn't change anything. Do you have unwavering regard? Heck, no. You're angsting about CFUD. But if I'm still going 'Hey, Ayesha, want to see a movie?' and people are still popping up going 'here, have a candy cane *hug*' then it had better ease some of that tension. Take what you can, hold on to it. Go ahead and worry, I do, but don't add it to your angst list. It means one party or the other is failing in this friendship. Keep the faith.

'worry whether everyone is happy. SOMETIMES IT IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Deal with it'
Oh good, my favourite. I'm still in the throes of my blinding fury and incredible hurt. My brain is trying to kill me for watching not one, but four head bashing hopeless sops of viciousness and history and pain. This is why I do not feel kind. I hope I don't stop wanting to fix everything, that'll be the end of an era. So in all fairness, I can't ask you to not worry either.
Think about it this way. It isn't 'sometimes' out of your control. 9 and a half times out of 10, it's out of your control. Maybe you can help, and maybe you can't, but unless you're the one standing there sticking in a knife and twisting, it isn't your fault and the blame isn't yours to take. Worry, but find something else to focus on.
Think about it this way as well. You aren't the only one worrying about whether everyone is happy, so if you're crying in bed at night thinking about it. You'll make me cry, thinking about you. Actually, my tear ducts have met their quota for the day, so I'll just have to glare miserably. The best thing you can do as someone who worries about others, is not be someone who is worried about. And not because you just don't tell anyone when you're not okay or keep mum, but actually be okay. If that's medication, therapy, yoga, lots of thinking. Your choice, just don't be unhappy.

waste time lazing around. Be more productive
As the girl ending a gap year, this is probably the most important. I don't know what your plans are, work, study, write a book. But lazing around is the quickest route to depression. It leaves you with too much time to obsess, and not having done anything gives you a reason to hate yourself. I don't do independent work well, I don't know about you. So join the SPCA, volunteer somewhere, find a reading group, work your way through the Modern Library's top 100 books. No more fanfiction unless it's a warmup to original fiction. Meet your writing targets. Get out of the house, go to the National Library or Jurong, take a pen and exercise book, write. Walk to Marina Bay. Find stores and places in Singapore, used books, stationery, whatever, find them yourself. The smallest things can make you feel like the day wasn't a total waste, and getting out by yourself (at least to me) feels better than getting out with a friend in some ways. It's just me, being somewhere else, doing something else and being fine.

And about all the crying
Not helping that you have an actual problem with depression. A good cry is cathartic, if extremely tiring. So crying isn't necessarily bad. See if the productivity thing doesn't help with some of that.

I'm sorry if I don't sound sympathetic enough, but my head is still cotton stuffed full of this mood and more anger besides. I don't feel very nice. I just want you to feel better, right now. It may not be that simple, and it's easy to say and harder to do and you can think of this stuff as well as anyone. Whatever. I'm tired. You are my friend. You are unhappy. Cease and desist.
Now this is just spam.

Since this was yesterday morning and now it's today night and you might be over it, refer to the epic length comment in future, possibly.