Me: Dear brain, I was actually rather happy today. So why am I depressed? Brain: Well. You're working your ass off. Your lecturer keeps dumping more. Your mother is pushing off to see your grandparents, leaving you with your brother and your father. And you know how you feel about your father being in charge. Me: But I love my dad. Brain: [pointed look] Me: Okay. Yeah, we have issues. Brain: You also got to stop listening to angsty music before bedtime.
So. I don't know how everyone is up with the news but. Bombay recently got hit by a terrorist attack and a good deal of it got bombed and a lot of people, killed.
This is my hometown. I grew up there. And while we've always had the worst of the worst hit us (riots, bans, strikes, floods, attacks, etc), I've always thought Bombay to be... almost invincible and able to stand up to anything. Even the train bombings didn't feel so horrible.
I... don't have pleasant memories of Bombay. I spent most of my life being ostracized by my school because I was a Christian, didn't speak hindi well, didn't care about what everyone else cared about. No matter how secular we may boast India is, we really are the most hypocritical and ruthless bunch of people I know.
And yet, this is my town. It used to be my home. I left it behind, purposefully because eventually, Bombay would have killed me. Hell, India would have killed me. I don't have any friends there, and if I did, they probably all left now. But that doesn't mean the people, my people, deserved this.
I don't know. It makes me really sad and I feel really guilty as a person because I'm not even an Indian anymore. I'm a Singaporean.
So I complain to my dad that I do too many dumb things and he tells me that what I have is a medical condition.
That drives a nail in the coffin. That I can't stop it because it's medical.
I've become so paranoid now. Of everything. Of everyone. I can't talk to anyone anymore without feeling like a gigantic heel. I want to fix things, but I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do. And I'm all alone. There's no one there to stand beside me, no one to hold my hand and that's all right in a way;. I can't expect others to be there all the time for me.
But I am so alone.
I don't know who to turn to. I feel terrible each passing day and I can't stop crying.
I like to think I'm not invisible. But now more than ever, I am invisible.