Tags: sadface

water seeping

"so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts..."

Dear life,

When I want a sledgehammer to my life and my head? I WILL ASK.

Emotional in a train station? Is not how I want to deal.

No love,
Me.

I'm so irritated with myself and at the same time, I feel like everything's hit home too well. What do you say when you lived a whole year that's worth nothing?

Sunday and Supernatural better cheer me up.

  • Current Mood: disappointed disappointed
  • Current Music: Tori Amos - Silent All These Years
water seeping

AND SUDDENLY MOOD PLUMMET!

Me: Dear brain, I was actually rather happy today. So why am I depressed?
Brain: Well. You're working your ass off. Your lecturer keeps dumping more. Your mother is pushing off to see your grandparents, leaving you with your brother and your father. And you know how you feel about your father being in charge.
Me: But I love my dad.
Brain: [pointed look]
Me: Okay. Yeah, we have issues.
Brain: You also got to stop listening to angsty music before bedtime.

  • Current Mood: sad sad
  • Current Music: Fray - How to Save A Life
water seeping

(no subject)

So. I don't know how everyone is up with the news but. Bombay recently got hit by a terrorist attack and a good deal of it got bombed and a lot of people, killed.

This is my hometown. I grew up there. And while we've always had the worst of the worst hit us (riots, bans, strikes, floods, attacks, etc), I've always thought Bombay to be... almost invincible and able to stand up to anything. Even the train bombings didn't feel so horrible.

I... don't have pleasant memories of Bombay. I spent most of my life being ostracized by my school because I was a Christian, didn't speak hindi well, didn't care about what everyone else cared about. No matter how secular we may boast India is, we really are the most hypocritical and ruthless bunch of people I know.

And yet, this is my town. It used to be my home. I left it behind, purposefully because eventually, Bombay would have killed me. Hell, India would have killed me. I don't have any friends there, and if I did, they probably all left now. But that doesn't mean the people, my people, deserved this.

I don't know. It makes me really sad and I feel really guilty as a person because I'm not even an Indian anymore. I'm a Singaporean.

  • Current Mood: uncomfortable uncomfortable
water seeping

(no subject)

So I complain to my dad that I do too many dumb things and he tells me that what I have is a medical condition.

That drives a nail in the coffin. That I can't stop it because it's medical.

I've become so paranoid now. Of everything. Of everyone. I can't talk to anyone anymore without feeling like a gigantic heel. I want to fix things, but I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do. And I'm all alone. There's no one there to stand beside me, no one to hold my hand and that's all right in a way;. I can't expect others to be there all the time for me.

But I am so alone.

I don't know who to turn to. I feel terrible each passing day and I can't stop crying.

I like to think I'm not invisible. But now more than ever, I am invisible.
  • Current Mood: stressed stressed
water seeping

(no subject)

Dear Timmy,

Please do not
  • suddenly start crying on the dinner table
  • curl up into a ball and cry more
  • worry about what everyone thinks of you
  • worry whether everyone is happy. SOMETIMES IT IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Deal with it
  • think about dropping all your characters at CFUD because of some inane reason like "YOU SUCK" or "people deserve better". GET OVER YOURSELF.
  • pester people over your emo and demand attention
  • waste time lazing around. Be more productive
  • cry. Just stop crying.
AND THAT, ladies and gentlemen, sums me up quite well.

Lord, this self-loathing phase is never going away.