water seeping

(no subject)

I haven't told my dad yet. He called. Made me guilty.

Colleges are hanging over my head and I COMPLETELY FORGOT about the Westminster talk today.

My ego is suffering from all this.

The empty drive pocket is killing me.

I hate Murphy's Law. That is all.

EDIT - And the shit hit the fan.

I don't like asking for help. It goes against my creed. Especially asking teachers because it makes me feel incompetent.

I freaked my brother out by bursting into hysterics.

I hate this. No matter what I do, I keep messing up. I'm never going to get anywhere this way. I'm lying again. I have no idea what to do with my life. I've never felt so fucking lost. I'm still crying. I can't stop. And I know this is an emo post and I know I've been doing this a lot lately and I know it sounds a lot like whining. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm simply not doing this the right way. Maybe everything I've been doing until now has been a waste of time and I'm never going to college.

My mom just told me not to go to the US.

My dog jumped all over me and tried to lick my tears.

I'm so tired. Nothing interests me anymore other than English. I procrastinate and mope about it. This isn't working.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel old. Worn-out like a bad pair of socks.

I just don't want to be useless. I don't want to be left behind. Not again. Not anymore. I refuse to be left behind. But all I seem to be doing is watching the backs of others who have already walked miles ahead of me. I don't know anymore, I just don't.

I want Angy. I want Nathan. I want Shehz and Nishi and even Vinit. I want Manjree and Mr. Henry, Mr. Gibson to be here. I would do anything to have Mr. Gibson here.

But maybe more than anything, I want Mrs. J. I want my dormparent. Hell, I want the one person who was there every minute I messed up. I would have stayed in Kodai only for her. We all would have. That savage place was only meaningful through her. Solvik was my home because of her. I need her. Something. Anything. I don't want to pick up pieces.

Dinner. I should go for dinner.
  • Current Mood: depressed die murphy die
  • Current Music: nothing but pain
ok, ok, ok. i don't like e-hugs so you are getting an UBER gowri hug tomorrow.

1. you are not getting left behind anywhere. if anything you're one of the most resilient, oftentimes aggressive, people i'm acquainted with. nor are you watching other peoples' backs...you're not. you're playing on the highest tables and you're winning.

2. you are not useless. your post today actually helped me immesely.

3. i know what it's like to want people that aren't there, and i'm always so conscious of the fact that the people that i trust in singapore aren't necessarily the people who i'll ultimately lean on for support. STILL. STILL, it's good to know that there are people that aren't going to leave you to pick up the pieces.

4 and this is the hardest thing of all, and i still haven't gotten my head around the concept. take it bit by bit, bite by bite, chew by chew. i really don't know that there's another option.

No matter what I do, I keep messing up.

Try, Try Again

"Tis a lesson you should heed,
Try, try again;
If at first you don't succeed,
Try, try again;
Then your courage should appear,
For if you will persevere,
You will conquer, never fear,
Try, try again.

Once or twice through you should fail,
Try try again;
If you would at last prevail,
Try, try again;
If we strive, 'tis no disgrace
Though we do not win the race;
What should you do in the case?
Try, try again.

Time will bring you your reward,
Try, try again.
All that other folks can do,
Why, with patience, should not you?
Only keep this rule in view;
Try, try again.

~ William Edward Hickson (1803-1870)

I just don't want to be useless. I don't want to be left behind.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
"The enemy's gate is down."

Everybody's burnt out - I think you just put it more eloquently than most of us do.

I...can't type anything properly expressive at the moment, so I'll just say we are all going to make it to the end, and we are all going to get there together, and that yes it will be hard, but that's why we all need to be there to help push each other through, one single sleep-deprived deadline-full day at a time.

...Ack. I keep writing and then deleting things, because I don't know what to say. Just. Crying is normal, hysteria is positively correlated with stress levels, and I'm also going to hug you tomorrow.

"Hum honge kamyab, hum honge kamyab
Hum honge kamyab ek din ,
Ho ho maan main hai vishwas pura hai vishwas
Hum honge kamyab ek din"
Dont feel down ....
Shit always happens, theres nothing you can do about it, but to take wateva is thrown at you...
If you fall ,Stop crying get up on your feet and move on...
Pepsi had a nice quote... "The harder i fall the higher i bounce", your time will come just believe

And about feeling lost in life and not know what to do next, wake up...Its called life because you dont know whats gonna happen next, none of us do. What some of us might know is how we want to live....and you just need time to know that....

Dont feel down...and thanks..... it was like looking at the mirror.... i needed it....
(ADVANCE WARNING: I deal with my inability to cure all problems by being angry. Feel my wrath)

*glare* No really, just *glare* to the nth degree. I'll accept the 'I miss the people that made me feel safe', I'll accept the 'I feel bad about the results'.
I REFUSE to accept the
a) 'I'm useless' attitude - you wanna know why? I don't have useless friends. They don't exist. And you happen to be my friend (how coincidental). You cannot exist in both categories, since I can't let you not be my friend, you do not traverse the boundary into 'useless', 'constantly messing up', etc. As long as you can see me frown and hug me and as long as you can bury your head in my shoulder when you feel like crying, you are sooooo very far from useless. So enough of that talk

b)'Empty drive pocket = guilt' - I think this is self explanatory. NOT YOUR FAULT. No piling up depressions, it's against the rules. It happens. The appropriate response is, DAMN YOU COMPAQ, or Dell, I'm not sure what you have...

c) 'I am going to get left behind' - *punt* We've been over this. Physically? We're all leaving each other, sadly, and I'm going to spend hours just lying on a bed, staring at a ceiling wondering how freshmen anywhere make it. I'm bad with the contact, I'm good with the 'I wonder what fun they're having without me now...' WHY THE HELL WOULD WE LEAVE YOU BEHIND???!!!! Do you have any idea how happy I was when you showed up with Nat? Do you know how much of these last one and a half year's shared crack I attribute to you? If from now on I spent only five minutes a day with you, you'll still be Ayesha, who is always willing to come with me to plays and whatnot when the others say flat out 'no', who will drop everything and come hug me when she thinks I'm upset, who will stand up for her friends, become homicidal occasionally, show me shiny things. How the hell can you expect us to leave you behind? (Damn you, you made me cry)

d)'Am whiny. Pls. forgive' - *more glaring* *more punting* Yes, yes, lessemo extremeness is a good sign of progress. But let's look at Dana, who seems to be repeating herself. I think she chants 'hum honge kamyab' in her sleep now. I fear psychotic break. You think you're being whiny? I never stop, ever, and the people that suffer through this are you and Subin (sorry! I can't help it!). So you emo, I'll punt, and everyone else will be very supportive.

e) 'I'm not going to college' - ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... hell, no, you did not type that. United front against the educational institutes from hell.

f) 'feel like socks' - You are sooo much more attractive than socks, and easier to hug...

BTW, you better not have been talking about my back. You can be sure I'll be hitchhiking or strolling or something. I don't do the whole 'walk miles thing'. No stamina. So I'll be pretty darn near you, huggable distance. ^__^ *sends a million hugs and lots of love and requests for Nikhil to hit Ayesha*

And this is the part that Dana doesn't know yet. Do remember
hum chalenge sath sath, dale hathon mein hath
hum chalenge sath sath, ek din
Oh, man mein hai visvas, pura hai visvas
hum chalenge sath sath, ek din

Oh oh oh... *sweeps you up into huge-ass bear hug* Honey, you're just angsting. It happens to all of us, the best and the worst and it still happens to me more often than I'd like. If you like english, then go major in englsh and bully to anyone who says it's a waste of time or money. We only live once and we should do our best to enjoy it while it lasts.

And don't worry, you're not incompetent. You're smart and witty and you're going to get into college fine, you just have to suck it up, chug a few gallons of energy drinks and get it done. If a lazy ass like me can get in practically anyone can.

I miss Kodai too. Nothing is ever going to compare to those years. And you're probably better off staying away from this country anyways, it's really not a nice a place and you're too good for it (any place where wishing someone a 'safe' Halloween is normal is a place I'd be happy you stayed away from). There's nothing here short of my family to measure up to Mrs. J and no-one hear to hold a candle to anyone from back there; Mr. Henry, Pike, Gibson... certainly not Shez, Vinit or Nishi and there's no one in the whole damn world who I'd ever pick over you (and the only one to tie would be Nathan and he'd only get that far on a decades worth of guilt). I believe you can do anything if you decide you want to, you're capable of that. And even if you aren't, even if you are just an old, worn-out pair of sweat socks I would never throw you out anyways. Promise.
*uber-serious prophecy voice* Murphy's Law will be the undoing of humanity, this I have forseen. Do not feel weak that you have been bested by it. u.u
*also tries to give massive e-hug but fails miserably*

If you've been feeling old like a worn out bad pair of socks, I've been feeling like a rotten piece of overcooked spaghetti. Perhaps sometimes it helps to really get that hey, everybody's in this together. It only gets more stressful when you're panicking and you think you're the ONLY one left behind, and everyone's non-stressy (at least in an "important" way), happy, and so much better than you. As well as getting much more sleep.

And then there's that moment once in awhile when you realize, hey, everybody IS really on the same leaking boat together.

Drat it, you've gone through too much to let it break you down now. Like Gowri said - it's pretty much chew by chew, bit by bit (byte by byte? Sorry, comp sci corny jokes, I promise I'll only make one). C'mon. We're all in this together, and we're ALL gonna see it through.
I've been feeling like a rotten piece of overcooked spaghetti.

...You've been feeling like Dana's physics prac?
MYUUUU!!! Come to the US!!!!!

Bleh, my UC (University of California) apps are like due today...XD *sending them by e-mail*

*random mode* AHMAHGAWD HITACHIIN icon!!!!! *squeetastic*

*pats* just stay optimistic?