I miss him. Honestly to God, I do. I want to see him. But I don't want to see him. How does that make sense? I know better than anyone. But these last two years have been so long. Kodai remains now a misty dream I can't extinguish. That place that hurt all of us so badly that drove students to masocism and suicide. Peoplw have died in that place, both metaphorically and literally.
I'm scared. Scarec of writing to them, scared of what that place has done to me, scared that if, if, if I ever see him again, things will have changed, and I, the selfish cruel person that I am, I don't want them to.
How did it happen? I want to blame him. He started it. I never once thought...it just happened, and what? I threw everything out of loop. Maybe I should have let it die then and there and stop subjecting both of us in this cycle of waiting and waiting and waiting....
Why does Singapore have to be so far away? ...I want to go back, just a moment and see him, even for a last time. I need to see him.
god...why does this have to be so damn complicating?
Fuck. Angie, I'll talk to you later if I can. Right now, my throat is burning up. I think I'll just...I'll just...
Just what? ...I really am useless aren't I?