I finally managed to write that Homura/Goky one-shot! It didn't come out quite as I had planned, so I'll probably edit it later. Opinions on how to edit it are appreciated as always!
Will be posted on heretic_love as well. </span>
-Standing in front of you-
-They fade into the wall-
-Leaving behind nothing-
-Nothing at all-
-And no, I don’t understand-
-How they forgot-
-Grasp between fingernails-
-Take what they can get-
-And no, I don’t understand-
-How worthless they must be-
-Without feeling, without feeling-
—“No signs of pain” by Azure Ray
Son Goku knew that if he told someone what 500 years spent in absolute solitude, it would be Homura. Goku knew that if he ever told Sanzo, Sanzo would not understand. In fact, for Sanzo 500 years spent in a cave was not punishment, but bliss. A welcome relief from the nightmares and pain that he had tried to separate himself from.
Goku knew he couldn’t tell Hakkai because Hakkai considered himself as a burden to people and to be away from bothering people, Hakkai would spend 500 years in a cave. For Hakkai, he wanted the best for everyone, even at the cost of his own expense. Goku understood that feeling, but he knew Hakkai would not understand.
Gojyo was like Hakkai. Gojyo believed that he was the eternal stain on society’s page, the dirt beneath the shoes and the ground. Maybe that is why Gojyo and Hakkai are so close. Dirt and taint sticks together like glue. Maybe they can believe that the way they live is the best spent together.
But Gojyo would not understand. No one he ever knew would.
Goku would have to be blind not to see it. The shackles on Homura’s wrists were just like the ones he used to wear. The way Homura lifted his hands and the way they clicked together like the chiming of metal. Goku knew that they were the same weight of the chains that linked him to his cave. When Goku looked at Homura’s chains, he would feel an itch around the armbands he wore around his wrists.
It was a feeling he was unused to; nostalgia.
It wasn’t a happy feeling. Though the cave’s presence was always in some dark corner of his mind, there were few things in this wide world that could bring that corner out into the spotlight. Homura had not only brought that corner out into the light, but made the Sun beat down on it so painfully that Goku had to restrain himself from the memories from overwhelming.
The memories he remembered and the memories he didn’t.
He knew that Homura wanted to tell him about his past. Sometimes, he could see the pity in Homura’s eyes (oddly enough, it would always be the right eye that shone with that emotion) and sometimes he knew that Homura was lonely. Even with Zenon and Shien, Goku noticed how he distanced himself from them. As if he was afraid the mere touch of him would tear them away from his life.
Perhaps, Homura knew that from personal experience.
Sometimes, Goku wondered whether he should talk to Homura. It was not like it hasn’t been done before. Goku had talked to Kougaiji before (without having to call out Nyoi-boi and defend Sanzo and his sutra). But Homura made him nervous. Not terrified nervousness like the deep frightening calm that accompanied Chin Yisou, but a more anxious frustrated calm. As if Goku lacked the courage to face Homura.
Maybe Goku lacked the courage to face himself and Homura was only a reflection he peered into.
Maybe it was both.
But Goku was no coward.
Goku wondered whether Homura has ever been in a cave of his own. Goku knew that for people who have had freedom all their lives, would not understand imprisonment. But people who have been imprisoned all their lives, can never understand freedom. That was why Goku had bound himself to Sanzo.
Because honestly, where would he be? He had no identity, no purpose, no goal in life.
Where would he go?
Who would he be?
Sometimes, Homura would mention the gods and Goku would recognize the spite and disgust behind the word. Once, and only once, Goku asked him, “Why do you hate the gods?”
Homura answered simply, “Because I am a god.”
Goku wondered whether he should hate the gods as well. Wasn’t it the gods who imprisoned him, left him in a cave and took (Goku refused to believe that he wanted his memories taken away) his past from him? Shouldn’t he hate them for that?
Goku could not feel anything but indifference.
They were two days away from Konran Tower and Goku strayed away from his teammates. Two reasons; Sanzo was still in a bad mood from losing his sutra and he needed to think.
Goku nearly laughed out loud at his own thoughts.
Homura was waiting for him in the depths of the forest.
“I’ll ask you again Son Goku,” Homura’s voice was always so smooth and so old. It felt like stone slowly crumbling away. Goku was suddenly struck with a sense of mortality. Would Sanzo’s voice sound like this one day? “Won’t you come?”
Goku shook his head and mustered up his courage to speak, “Can I ask you something?”
Homura raised an eyebrow and nodded slightly, “Of course.”
“What am I to you?” Why did his voice seem so quiet? Goku cursed himself. It was if he knew he was treading on thin ice and he did it anyway, “Was I ever anything to you? You make me sound so important, but—,” His words were slipping and Goku wished he had more grace with words, “I don’t even remember you. Was I supposed to? I can’t—,” Weakness, lack of, those feelings felt like they were suffocating him inside.
He didn’t noticed Homura’s hands on him and when a carefully placed finger from under his chin lifted his head, Goku was entranced by the duality of Homura’s eyes. Goku opened his mouth and closed it hesitantly, his eyes darting away.
Homura smiled. Goku had never seen Homura smile before. All he had ever received were smirks and taunting grins. ‘A smile suits him better,’ Goku unconsciously thought.
“You are interesting Son Goku,” Homura said, “Do you ask this of everyone you meet? Are you that worried about what people think of you?”
“It’s not like that!” Goku knew he was yelling, knew he should stop, but he couldn’t, “I have nothing! No identity, no past, nothing! And you, you’re just like me and—,” Goku stopped, stunned by his own words, “You are like me,” Goku said softly, facing him, “You always were. You knew. Didn’t you?”
“That we mirrored each other?” Homura nodded, “That’s why I wanted you to come with me. That offer is still open Son Goku.”
Goku was seized by a feeling of uneasiness. If he went with Homura, would he walk away from what he had? Sanzo, Gojyo, Hakkai…and his status in their life?
What was he? Who was he? What kind of person was he supposed to me?
Goku stepped away from Homura, saw the sadness in his eyes. Felt his own sadness prick his eyes as he met Homura’s eyes once more. And told him, “I can’t follow you. I can’t be you.”
“I don’t want you to be me,” Homura murmured, stepping closer. Goku let him, let him enter his space. Goku wondered why Homura was special, why only Homura was allowed to question him, question his ideals and feelings. Why he never challenged Homura when he did.
Was it because everything Homura ever told was the truth?
Homura moved closer and pulled Goku towards him. Goku felt Homura’s chest heave slightly and shut his eyes tightly. Homura tangled his fingers in Goku’s hair and breathed into his ear, “I took you for granted, didn’t I?”
Goku nodded and his hands tightened their hold on his black top.
“I’m sorry,” Homura said again, “I wish we had met again under better circumstances.”
Goku nodded once more and felt the stinging behind his eyes get stronger.
“Can we stay like a little longer?”
Goku nodded for the third time and started crying. And Homura let him cry through the evening.
Any kind of opinion is appreciated. Really. I didn't quite like it as much as my previous ones, but this one has potential and I want to fine-tune it somehow.
I love Christian Bale! And Batman Begins had great yaoi ideas swimming around. Ducard kicked ass, Rachel was a weak female (not as bad as the others though)
and Ra's Al Ghul finally came on a Batman movie and Jonathan Crane looked like Tom Welling. I loved every minute of it. </span></span>