July 22nd, 2005

water seeping

(no subject)

Okay, I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while. So here it is.

In truth, I love my parents. I do. But I am also very, very scared of my father. And I have reason to be. When I was around two and below, my father used to drink and smoke. And he was never very pleasant when he did either. And you know those stories where the child gets abused by their parent? Beated and what not? well, I have actually experienced it.

I still love my father, but when he gets angry it's hard to forget what happened before. And I freeze up and I shake all over. My dad used to beat me with a whip. My brother gets scared too, but he was never at the receiving end of that whip.

when I was on vacation, my dad misplaced his wallet. He shouted at everyone, threatened to make me and my brother sleep outside (in front of his friend's family) and began cursing at everyone. When he found it, my brother started crying and I did too.

I can't remember much about what it felt like to be beated. I remember the fear, the presence of his anger always lurking behind my mind. I remember he nearly beat me with a slipper. I know he tells me that he's changed and he'll never do it again. But the fear is there and so is the anger.

(sighs) Must check out colleges and what not. Also, the damn MMORPG won't work!
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