November 28th, 2006

water seeping

(no subject)

I haven't told my dad yet. He called. Made me guilty.

Colleges are hanging over my head and I COMPLETELY FORGOT about the Westminster talk today.

My ego is suffering from all this.

The empty drive pocket is killing me.

I hate Murphy's Law. That is all.

EDIT - And the shit hit the fan.

I don't like asking for help. It goes against my creed. Especially asking teachers because it makes me feel incompetent.

I freaked my brother out by bursting into hysterics.

I hate this. No matter what I do, I keep messing up. I'm never going to get anywhere this way. I'm lying again. I have no idea what to do with my life. I've never felt so fucking lost. I'm still crying. I can't stop. And I know this is an emo post and I know I've been doing this a lot lately and I know it sounds a lot like whining. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm simply not doing this the right way. Maybe everything I've been doing until now has been a waste of time and I'm never going to college.

My mom just told me not to go to the US.

My dog jumped all over me and tried to lick my tears.

I'm so tired. Nothing interests me anymore other than English. I procrastinate and mope about it. This isn't working.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel old. Worn-out like a bad pair of socks.

I just don't want to be useless. I don't want to be left behind. Not again. Not anymore. I refuse to be left behind. But all I seem to be doing is watching the backs of others who have already walked miles ahead of me. I don't know anymore, I just don't.

I want Angy. I want Nathan. I want Shehz and Nishi and even Vinit. I want Manjree and Mr. Henry, Mr. Gibson to be here. I would do anything to have Mr. Gibson here.

But maybe more than anything, I want Mrs. J. I want my dormparent. Hell, I want the one person who was there every minute I messed up. I would have stayed in Kodai only for her. We all would have. That savage place was only meaningful through her. Solvik was my home because of her. I need her. Something. Anything. I don't want to pick up pieces.

Dinner. I should go for dinner.