June 29th, 2008

water seeping

And so it is

I'm tired. Both mentally and physically. But. There are things I need to say. At least, for the sake of saying them.

I saw this standup comedy today and a lot of what he said hit me full force. Let's address them.

First up, I've realized that I am possibly the most selfish person ever. I am needy, I'm greedy, I always want things and I return so very little to the people who support and help me through the worst times. And really, it sickens me how pathetic I am that I keep craving some form of attention from others but perhaps not giving others the attention they deserve from me. It's a harsh though and maybe, just maybe, I am being a tad bit hard on myself, but I really can't say. I bother people in PMs and so on to whine and talk about me me me, but do I do the same for them? Have I given enough of me when they need it? I don't know and the answer scares me.

Second, I think. I know where my phobia for people comes from. When I'm in crowds or sometimes, even with a few people, I'm scared that I'll disappear. That my presence is so invisible that I'll be easily forgotten. I trail behind, I don't talk, sometimes I stare at the ground because I don't want to bother people because why should they put up with me? But then it links up to the first point: I have to stop thinking about myself.

Thirdly, I just wanted to give thanks. There are a lot of things I'm grateful for and you guys are a large portion of it. I love Ginji who puts up with my needling and whining. I love Ningen who takes the time to enjoy the things I do. I love Juri and her everlasting patience over my stupidity. I love Kilik-son who is so amazing I have to stand back in awe. I love Shinn who always takes the time to share things with me that we both love. I love Crow who always has time to say hi and good night. I love Mia who pesters me with a passion I hope to match one day. I love Excel whose brilliance I am somewhat envious of. I love my daughter Max who was always so sweet and kind to me. I love Imp who on my first day of CFUD, took me aside and helped me through. I love Zuko who capslocks at me over things we love and supports me no matter what. I love Lina who has always put me in her thoughts. I love Suzaku who does so much for me and I do so little in return. I love Kizna who lets me lean on her everyday and shines for me. I love Teito and her kindness towards me even when I feel I don't deserve it. I love aviy who gave me confidence in my RPing abilities. I love Wolfwood for sharing herself with me. I love Gwendal because she always knows what to say to make things better. I love Cain because she is just so awesome. I love Ginshu because she's just so sweet. I love Booster and Harley who accepted me with open arms and mother me. I love Jaime who takes me to talk about comics and cartoons. I love Ronan who kicks me when I need it. I love Pearl for bearing with me all the time. I love Chrome who always screws my head on the right way. I love dust 'cause she pokes me with love. I love Toph and Frau for making my day so much brighter. I love Squalo because she's a sweetheart. I love Biz who always loves me even when she disowns me.  I love Katy for kicking ass so much in everything. I love Haru and Zazzle for taking care of me even when I was a terrible guest.

There's so much I want to say. To everyone. To all of you. Just. Thank you. I wish. I honestly wish I was better than I am.