water seeping

And so it is

I'm tired. Both mentally and physically. But. There are things I need to say. At least, for the sake of saying them.

I saw this standup comedy today and a lot of what he said hit me full force. Let's address them.

First up, I've realized that I am possibly the most selfish person ever. I am needy, I'm greedy, I always want things and I return so very little to the people who support and help me through the worst times. And really, it sickens me how pathetic I am that I keep craving some form of attention from others but perhaps not giving others the attention they deserve from me. It's a harsh though and maybe, just maybe, I am being a tad bit hard on myself, but I really can't say. I bother people in PMs and so on to whine and talk about me me me, but do I do the same for them? Have I given enough of me when they need it? I don't know and the answer scares me.

Second, I think. I know where my phobia for people comes from. When I'm in crowds or sometimes, even with a few people, I'm scared that I'll disappear. That my presence is so invisible that I'll be easily forgotten. I trail behind, I don't talk, sometimes I stare at the ground because I don't want to bother people because why should they put up with me? But then it links up to the first point: I have to stop thinking about myself.

Thirdly, I just wanted to give thanks. There are a lot of things I'm grateful for and you guys are a large portion of it. I love Ginji who puts up with my needling and whining. I love Ningen who takes the time to enjoy the things I do. I love Juri and her everlasting patience over my stupidity. I love Kilik-son who is so amazing I have to stand back in awe. I love Shinn who always takes the time to share things with me that we both love. I love Crow who always has time to say hi and good night. I love Mia who pesters me with a passion I hope to match one day. I love Excel whose brilliance I am somewhat envious of. I love my daughter Max who was always so sweet and kind to me. I love Imp who on my first day of CFUD, took me aside and helped me through. I love Zuko who capslocks at me over things we love and supports me no matter what. I love Lina who has always put me in her thoughts. I love Suzaku who does so much for me and I do so little in return. I love Kizna who lets me lean on her everyday and shines for me. I love Teito and her kindness towards me even when I feel I don't deserve it. I love aviy who gave me confidence in my RPing abilities. I love Wolfwood for sharing herself with me. I love Gwendal because she always knows what to say to make things better. I love Cain because she is just so awesome. I love Ginshu because she's just so sweet. I love Booster and Harley who accepted me with open arms and mother me. I love Jaime who takes me to talk about comics and cartoons. I love Ronan who kicks me when I need it. I love Pearl for bearing with me all the time. I love Chrome who always screws my head on the right way. I love dust 'cause she pokes me with love. I love Toph and Frau for making my day so much brighter. I love Squalo because she's a sweetheart. I love Biz who always loves me even when she disowns me.  I love Katy for kicking ass so much in everything. I love Haru and Zazzle for taking care of me even when I was a terrible guest.

There's so much I want to say. To everyone. To all of you. Just. Thank you. I wish. I honestly wish I was better than I am.
  • Current Mood: pensive pensive
You are adorable.

You've generally felt confident from my end of the internet, so I'm missing cues or something. Either way, it's a blast being retarded with you.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I just wanna say that it takes a lot of courage to talk about these things AND YOU ARE AWESOME OKAY.
Honey, you're never annoying. I absolutely love talking to you. YOU ARE AWESOME.

And I ditto Lina about being brave enough to put your feelings out there. ♥
Shawn has two mommies!

Really though, honey. You are like. Oh man I love you so much.

If we were all perfectly pleased with ourselves, there would be nothing to strive for. The important part is that you recognize what you'd like to change, and note it, but not punish yourself for when it shows up. That's the important part. ♥

through sickness and health and no one else will ever be my wife and some other stuff I forgot..., except for all my other wives, but the point is I just woke up from half an hour of sleep which is more than I got yesterday and I READ THROUGH THAT WHOLE BLOCK OF TEXT FOR YOU!!11 so I will probably do anything else.

Except divorce you.
*hugs* I've never gotten the impression you were selfish and this post does support it. I'm touched by how much you appreciate others. ♥ YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON.
You're far too hard on yourself, Timmy. I know we haven't really talked in how long but I know for a fact that you're a very kind person and it's only natural to think of ourselves as selfish. :)
You are better than you are. Well, better than you think you are. We all have things we hate about ourselves, and you're courageous and honest and you ARE strong. YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS WE ALL DO.
You're better than you seem to think, and I wish I could do something more than just leave a comment. Or offer hugs, but you're a great person and I hope everything gets better for you, because you deserve it. ♥ So many people love you, so please don't be too hard on yourself. [hugs]
I've never thought of you as a selfish person, not even once, and the fact that you would even make this post proves it.

We love you for a reason, right? So even when you're down on yourself, don't forget it. ♥
. . . since I have similar issues, I know that saying "oh you're definitely not selfish!!" won't make it feel any better. Because the thought remains regardless. But I can tell you that you have no reason to be ashamed of who you are, whatever you (or anyone else) considers "you" to be. That's the person we all love.

And god, I do next to nothing for anyone. So please don't think that you don't do anything for me, okay? ;; [LOVES]
DUDE I LOVE FANGIRLING STORM HAWKS AND PSYCH WITH YOU. You are never annoying and you certainly don't seem selfish to me ... but maybe pixels saying that aren't worth much. But you know? You're a wondeful person and I love you, faults or no. ♥
Any kindness I do give you is justly deserved :( A-and i hope you feel better ;o;
You've given me more than you know.

Take care of yourself, sunshine.

Edited at 2008-06-30 01:32 am (UTC)

For the record, I was ecstatic when you PMed me the first time because I've always thought you were cool, and being able to talk to you makes me happy. You are in no way annoying and I get so much out of chatting with you.
I can honestly say that I've never thought of you as the stuff in the first paragraph, but I can related to you cuz I almost always feel that way. It's a horrible feeling. ;;

Also, you should fly to China (if I go, dammit) to meet me and I will drape on you all day. ♥