Captain still your heartrate

(no subject)

I spent a lot of today feeling like the shittiest person on earth for screwing up so simply it was ridiculous. So I cried, vented my frustrations here and there, played the Xbox, and then curled up in the kitchen with a cookie and my dog. I have another therapy session tomorrow where I will discuss my problems of not being to accept... nice things! Or things in general. My therapist puts it down as "I am unable to feel I deserve anything" which, I suppose it's true! I did royally screw up two years of my life, that's not something that's easily let go, mistakes or not. Still, I'm not sure how to get over it. People doing nice things to me really make me break out in hives, you know. I'm not acting when I freak out, I really freak out. I often sit and cry and my hands shake because I'm a flaily person by nature and I don't know what to do with myself. It's... kinda sad in hindsight.

Went for the Soweto concert, which is an African gospel choir. It was really good! I think the measure of a good concert is when the performers are having as much fun as the audience. The last concert (SSO Christmas Concert) was incredibly enjoyable too. Also, I'm dying to see Sherlock Holmes. There's so much hilarious subtext in the trailers! It looks like tons of fun! I don't have any incredible expectations of it nor do I expect it to be true to the books (lol Guy Ritchie lol) but it looks like a blast.

Random book recommendation: EVERYONE READ ANDROID'S DREAM. It's possibly the most hilarious and enjoyable sci-fi book I've read in years. Lifetimes even! GOD SOMEONE MAKE IT INTO A MOVIE.

Christmas party with guests tomorrow. More chores for me sigh.
Hey there. Something my Dad said to me yesterday - I was talking about the huge hit to my self-confidence that college in general has been for me, and he said "The number of times I've ... said 'Should I be doing this? What is this turning into? I don't know if I'm doing the right thing'...that doesn't go away." He's 33 years older than me, and is still not satisfied with a lot of what he's done. But his point was that if you don't have to think about these questions, struggling with what you're going to do and how, then you probably don't have a very interesting situation. (Note he didn't say easy, but interesting).

I don't know how helpful that is, but that feeling of being totally unworthy and mediocre and incapable of doing even the smallest thing right? Can affect people (in a visceral and genuine way) *regardless* of how they've spend the last two years or the last two weeks.

Seriously, you're one person struggling really hard, you don't have anything on, say, the people dumping mercury into rivers. Definately not the shittiest person in the world, by a long shot!
...I feel bad that I bought you things without checking with you first ;3;

[hugshugshugshugshugshugs]

I haven't known you very long, but I think you're supersupersupersuperSUPER awesome, so I'm sorry to hear that you think you're less awesome than that. <3

And that choir sounds like it was a blast. I love it when the performers are visibly having fun.

Edited at 2009-12-22 04:16 pm (UTC)
No, no, it was really sweet of you and I appreciate it. It really helped me out of my situation a lot ♥. And you were supersuper awesome for doing that for me and I love you for it dearly.

Me too! I think it makes it worthwhile.
WELL THEN I CAN LOVE ON YOU ALL DAY UNTIL "I LOVE YOU" STOPS MAKING SENSE.

. . . I mean uh. We just talked about feelings and stuff, so I don't think I need to say it yet again, but honey. I think we both have the same problem, and I'm sure you know that, but I firmly believe you will get past it, because I believe in you completely. I'll do my best to get better myself, but dear, I adore you deeply and you deserve all the things you get. You deserve even more, and I know you don't act when you freak out, but I won't get tired of doing nice things for you. See, because you make me so happy I often wonder what I did to deserve you in my life, but I have you, and that's all I need. ♥

That Soweto concert sounded so amazing, that song is just gorgeous. AND I'LL READ THAT BOOK IF I FIND IT ONLINE. I want to see Sherlock Holmes too. :x
I deleted my dickgirl icon because now I only have six BUT I AM USING IT IN MY HEART because I love you ♥
Not gonna lie. I read Lifetimes even! GOD SOMEONE MAKE IT INTO A MOVIE.

as "Lifetime's even gonna someday make it into a movie"
O honey, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was a fuckup for three years, no joke. & then I finally got off my ass, got my GED & started going to college. At the same time, that doesn't help me either because I still feel like I don't deserve nice things.

But the truth is that we ALL deserve nice things. Especially you. Because you are amazing & I would love to get you nice things♥
I'm having dealing with four months with nothing productive to do hard enough :( But yeah, I know that. Somewhat! And everyone has been glorious to me. I just need to accept it.