ch 1, anon.
Okay. Wow. This is has the potential to be...passable.
But now you will have to take to heart the Commandments of Grammar.
Commandment 1: Thou shall use quotations marks. Darling, they aren't there for decoration. The button is next to the L key. Use them whenever a charcter speaks.
Commandment 2: Thou shall use punctuation markings. You kill or make a story by the punctuation you use. If you do one of these:
Shut up you baka...
Yeah. No good. You use a MAXIMUM of three! And then you add those nifty quotation marks,correct punctuation and it becomes this lovely statement:
"Shut up, you baka!" Ban shouted. Ah, so much better.
Commandment 3: Thou shall not use foreign tongue. It's great that you love Japanese. I'm thrilled! However, don't EVER use foreign words. It's an english fic. Use ENGLISH! Some of those foreign words that everyone uses like 'amigo' are fine! They enrich the dialogue! But using an obscure word doesn't work. If it's anything other than English, just drop it and leave it for dead.
Commandment 4: Thou shall BRUTALLY MURDER Mary-Sue's.
You know your original character? Miss Rika? She's what we canon authors call a Mary-Sue. She's typical. Typically gorgeous. Typically popular. Typical dark past. Typically talented. NEWSFLASH! Almost every original character ever created is perfect! Give your Mary Sue a major character flaw. Like a fear of something irrational, like the lumps in cottage cheese. Make her a bit overweight. Or clumsy. And those 'eyes of a beast'? Yeah, those are Mary-Sue-ish too.
Commandment 5: Thou shall spell correctly. Something that can homocidally rape a story is bad spelling. I've seen many a typo in this story. I'm sure if you asked someone VERY NICELY, they would proofread every chapter of a story before you publish it. That person is called a beta-reader, or just a beta. They're free and biodegradable! But it is recommended that the beta has an interest in your subject material (example: They like GetBackers)and therefore, they'd care a lot more that overall quality sustains.
Commandment 6: Thou shall use proper tenses.
I'm guessing you meant to put all this is present tense? So do it! It's not so easy to explain, so go ask your kindergarten teacher, I'm sure she can help.
Commandment 7: Thou shall write canons appropriately.
I can see you effort at this, but you gotta keep characters from the original story acting as thy would any other time. An example near the beginning.Ginji wouldn't ask Natsumi who the lady was, or tell Natsumi he already knew why Rika was there. He'd automatically start hitting on Rika, and Rika would turn him down. Why? Because in the show, in the manga,Ginji gets down by every girl. It's time to follow suite, missy.
Commandment 8: Thou shall not let randomness insue.
It's a known fact tht Hevn is everywhere Ginji and Ban are. So unless I missed the dramatic death of a beast-bosomed woman, I do believe she would be lurking somewhere in Pore's bar. Also: Why the HELL is Himiko appearing out of nowhere?! It's a nice sentiment, but she and the GetBackers are enemies. So under no condition would EVER agree to help them.
Commandment 9: Thou shall use actions.
In case you didn't notice, your story is 95% dialogue.
...That's bad. It's physically impossible for people o talk all the time! And even while they talk, they still commit to actions. I will now commence to rewrite ne of your scenes for you WITH ACTION-O-RAMA!
"Excuse me for a while, Ms. Rika. I’ll just get your order." Natsumi said cheerfully as she strolled to the kitchen doors
"Hey, Natsumi," Ginji suddenly grabbed Natsumi by the wrist and looked up at her from his table, "Who was that lady you were talking to?" Ginji asked Natsumi while staring openly at Rika.
"Oh! You mean Ms. Rika?" she replied in realization, tapping a finger on her cheek.
Hurrah. See? Half dialogue, hlf action, whole happiness. NEXT!
Commandment 10: THOU SHALL NOT BEG!
It is your job as the author to come with ideas and have enough talent and writing skill to attract readers.
Asking the readers for ideas is wrong! Any author who is doing it is wrong! Any reviewer who gives you ideas for a chapter doesn't respect your intelligence enough if they're practically giving away ideas! It doesn't matter if you go on hiatus, but you WILL NOT ask the reviewers for ideas. You also will not ask for reviews! That only shows you're greedy, or you only write for the glory of writing instead of the fun and joy of it!
The end point: Don't cater to readers. Do what you're gonna do, and let THEM piss and moan about it. Write what YOU want, what the STORY needs, and if they don't like it, they can rot in hell!
All in all, I reall just want for you to become a successful fanfiction author. I would love to be able to come back to your username in a year to see how you've improved. Don't take this review as a personal affront, but use it to guide you through those difficulties in writing. Just have fun!
I will remember this always...XD XD for all Mary-Sue, lousy, grammar-lazy writers.